In an episode of Junjou Romantica, little Nowaki often ran away from his house crying in frustration to nearby park (which later became his hideout with Usami). When Usami asked the reason why he's crying, Nowaki said that he's sick and tired of his extra courses. He wanted to stop, but he just couldn't bear the shame of being fail so he tried hard to succeed. Still, when he succeeded, he felt challenged to achieve the next level, thus put him into a never-ending dillema.

When I watched this episode I couldn't understand Nowaki's way of thinking and simply laughed at him. Nowaki had a quite high pride so his childhood situation was understandable, but I still thought this circumstance was only in a fiction. If you couldn't go on, why don't you just stop?... Right?

Wrong.

:)

I think I started to understand him. Although I'm not a perfectionist or genius like Nowaki and my circumstance is totally different, but we share the same pride.

In our System Development team, only few remains. Those who left were key person, so their leaving put a lot of works to those who stayed behind. The Operational Director, who is my direct upline, asks me indirectly to be PIC of this team. This means I have to start learning some crucial systems left by their key person from scratch, while business and system's development has to go on. This is not just the director's burden, it becomes mine as well.

There are times I want to stop -not because I can't but I don't want to get out from the comfort zone. I can find another company just like my friends did, but some part of my pride told me to take this chance to learn how to survive in a chaos. I've been too long in this comfort zone I sometimes asked myself whether I have this survival ability or not. The responsibilities are getting bigger and I don't have enough capability to face it alone, but this is my chance to learn. Of course there are prices to be paid.. I have to work overtime (without being paid), have a lot of works waiting, etc. There are times I felt tired and think about stopping, but my pride wants to keep going.

A contradicting dillema?
I must say yes.
Stop now?
No, for the moment, until the point I finally give up.

Most of the time God gives us answers to our doubts indirectly, in the way we've never expected before.

This is what I've learned over and over, because sometimes when my heart was so far from God, my mind was also very dull and forgot that everything happened had a reason -that is, the answer to our questions.

I have this doubt since 2 years ago, that is to study abroad. I was planning to take a postgraduate study abroad, find a job there, and apply a PR. For a grown-up my age, living together with parents and older siblings makes me unable to live independently. I want to break free and test my own survival ability. Also, if something happened in this country, at least there is a relative living overseas my family can go to for a shelter.

As I started the preparation by choosing a destination, preparing the language, and so on, my doubt increased. No matter how bad I want to go, I still can't leave my parents. I feel too selfish thinking of my own matter and not thinking about them. Although I've been working for 5 years, my saving probably is not enough for paying the living cost and I still need to rely on my parents' money. I also can't bear a thought of hearing a bad news about my family here at the time when I can't be with them. My Mom was my closest person and I'm my Mom's. I can't imagine how to be separated so far not only in term of time but also distance.

I often asked my friends, which one you will choose: parents or good career/future ?
One of my friends choose parents. I too think that career can be sought but nothing will ever replace parents and family. I kept praying for answers, and finally I think I know the answer.

The current global economic crisis is God's answer.
Last year's appendictomy was also a sign for an answer.

If I didn't undergo a surgery last year, most likely I'd been in Singapore or somewhere in Europe/America studying.
If I was currently overseas, I would get the impact of economic crisis and couldn't get what I wished for: a job.
My parents would be troubled thinking how to pay the tuition and living costs since foreign exchange rate rocketed.

So the answer: it's not the right time to go overseas.
Maybe later, maybe not, well, whatever God's plan is I'm sure it's the best for me.

So, if I finally find my answer, how about you? :)

Gee, it's been 39 weeks since the last posting. LJ has been terribly slow to be accessed these days.. ah well, that's not the main problem actually. As usual, I woke up at 5.a.m. and get home by 10.00 p.m. (spending the evening @fitness centre or English class or movies). After browsing some sites for daily BL nutrition, I go to sleep.

Today was the presentations of the two web vendors invited by the company I'm working at. While discussing about the layout management system, I suddenly remembered the Pitas blog. Pitas has a simple and effective ways in managing layouts and suddenly I missed my blog@Pitas which I've abandoned for a year. There are many compliments on my shoutbox, and I started to miss writing blog again. Well, I think if I could write a small essay for the TOEFL writing section in 20 minutes, I should be able to spend 10 minutes of my time before bed to write something here. I keep convincing myself "It's not necessarily long. Try to write something shorter." and here it is.. hopefully this can help me getting accustomized writing English, too.

Recently, especially after taking TOEFL course, I'm into learning English very much. I'm taking conversation class after the TOEFL class ended, and I'm also planning to take Business English class. It'll take 2 of my 4 fitness day, so I should think about fitness over aikido... Gomen ne, Sensei.. I think I should postpone the practise again, or taking another practise which suit my schedule best.

After the presentation today, I went to MTA to watch Shrek 3. Dunno, somehow I felt more satisfied with F4 2. Well, Shrek was entertaining, but somehow it didn't leave strong impression to me. The most interesting in this movie is the Puss, of course, and the message Fiona delivered to all women to stand up and survive by ourselves and not depending on some princes to save us. Way to go, Fiona!

Had dinner tonight @Thai Express... their pandan chicken was very chunky and delicous! The papaya salad was a disappointment (uh, well, maybe it's just not my taste), Thai Ice Tea was too sweet, and the Mango Glutinous Rice was too pricey (Rp 22.5k for half-sliced small mango and tiny portion of rice). I think I should give a try for this desert @Honeymoon Desert.

Fish n Co's doesn't have swordfish collar! Geh! I've been dreaming about this dish for a long time, though. I must try it when I go to Singapore (sometimes) .. :D

Regarding seiyuus, I think I should start giving a try for Toochika Kouichi. He's often on the drama CDs I listened but mostly for minor role. He has such a potential for a promising seiyuu, so I want to look for the drama with him as the main role.

I've been thinking.. should I post the same entries to my journals (pitas, friendster, LJ)?
I've been rambling about BL on LJ, personal, serious matters on FS, and fangirling mode on Pitas.
Well, I think I can mix them altogether or separate them, depends on the audience target. *grin*