Contradiction,, Paradox.. Dillema.. you name it..
In an episode of Junjou Romantica, little Nowaki often ran away from his house crying in frustration to nearby park (which later became his hideout with Usami). When Usami asked the reason why he's crying, Nowaki said that he's sick and tired of his extra courses. He wanted to stop, but he just couldn't bear the shame of being fail so he tried hard to succeed. Still, when he succeeded, he felt challenged to achieve the next level, thus put him into a never-ending dillema.

When I watched this episode I couldn't understand Nowaki's way of thinking and simply laughed at him. Nowaki had a quite high pride so his childhood situation was understandable, but I still thought this circumstance was only in a fiction. If you couldn't go on, why don't you just stop?... Right?

Wrong.

:)

I think I started to understand him. Although I'm not a perfectionist or genius like Nowaki and my circumstance is totally different, but we share the same pride.

In our System Development team, only few remains. Those who left were key person, so their leaving put a lot of works to those who stayed behind. The Operational Director, who is my direct upline, asks me indirectly to be PIC of this team. This means I have to start learning some crucial systems left by their key person from scratch, while business and system's development has to go on. This is not just the director's burden, it becomes mine as well.

There are times I want to stop -not because I can't but I don't want to get out from the comfort zone. I can find another company just like my friends did, but some part of my pride told me to take this chance to learn how to survive in a chaos. I've been too long in this comfort zone I sometimes asked myself whether I have this survival ability or not. The responsibilities are getting bigger and I don't have enough capability to face it alone, but this is my chance to learn. Of course there are prices to be paid.. I have to work overtime (without being paid), have a lot of works waiting, etc. There are times I felt tired and think about stopping, but my pride wants to keep going.

A contradicting dillema?
I must say yes.
Stop now?
No, for the moment, until the point I finally give up.